Speechless.

It's been quite the ride since the last time I posted here. The next day I was taken to the hospital because I was unable to keep anything inside of me. I was extremely dehydrated and weak that my family doctor said that I needed to be admitted to the hospital. The problem was, the doctor in the emergency room didn't seem to think so. He wanted to send me home with strong anti-nausea pills and told me he couldn't do anything but that I needed to see a specialist. My mom asked how long that would take, he said weeks to months.


In that moment I felt so helpless. I thought, 'I'm in a hospital, and I feel like I'm going to die.'


My mom wouldn't give up. She asked if there was a specialist in the hospital and the doctor said, "he comes at 2AM. You probably won't get to see him till 4AM." And my mom said "we'll wait."


As I sat in that chair in the emergency room I never felt so weary and helpless in my life. But something amazing was happening inside of me. You see, if this was Melody a year ago, I would have probably sat there and complained the whole time. But instead, as I was throwing up I kept reciting 1 Peter 5:10:

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

And in the midst of the pain and suffering I experienced joy I can't explain. My pride was striped away from me and I was humbled. In that moment, the reality of Christ being my strength became so evident to me. I had to remove my faith from healthcare, doctors, nurses, parents, friends, pastors, and especially myself and put it ALL in Jesus. 

Finally, 4AM rolled around and the Internal Medicine specialist saw me and admitted me right away. Not only that, he arranged for me to see a G.I. specialist the next morning. I was so thankful that the Lord took care of me like that. During my time in the hospital I was cared for and put on treatment to help my stomach empty properly and allowed me to finally feel hungry so I could eat with ease. Not only that, I have to say have the best friends and family. Countless visits, flowers, and cards from so many people. After four days, I left the hospital and was still being overwhelmed by the love of people. The day I left the hospital it was my birthday and some of my dearest friends surprised me at my house. 

All this to say, God is SO good to me. I am blessed beyond belief. Not only did He care for me while in the hospital, last week I was given an answer as to why this was all happening to me! It turns out I have a stomach bacteria that has been there probably since I was young and it can be treated with antibiotics.

I titled this post "Speechless" because after all of this, that's exactly what I am. 

I think I'm more in awe of how much the Lord has changed me through all this than anything. I find myself now being thankful for things I considered small and insignificant before this. Like, getting hungry. That's such a blessing! 

I'm learning everyday, that sometimes God takes what we consider 'everything' from us so that HE becomes everything to us. In my case, it was health, financial stability and music. But now I see that these things cannot fill the void in my heart, only Christ can. These things may make me happy for a little while but Jesus offers JOY and no one can take that away from me. Sign me up for that!

I find that this joy in my heart is becoming the driving force for everything I do. These three months I haven't been able to sing anywhere. I haven't had the strength and on top of that, the overwhelming sense of nausea hasn't allowed it. But now that I am getting stronger, every note that comes out of my mouth I see it as grace. It's not because of me, it's because God is sustaining me and allowing it to come out of my mouth. I need Him for everything. 

I could write for days and days about this but I think my main point is that if you're going through trial or you are suffering, embrace it and CLING to Jesus. I promise you that God will show you and teach you things beyond what you could EVER imagine. He is so faithful and now I see that more than ever. I know it's hard, trust me I do but it was in the moments I wanted to give up, I remembered what Jesus said in John 16:33:

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

There is so much victory in Jesus name. Sometimes He allows these trials to ultimately bring glory to His name and to make us more like Him. 

He knows what you're going through and He cares, just trust Him. 

melody

Hope.

These have been the hardest three months of my life. I have been dealing with constant nausea for almost three months now and still unable to pinpoint what the problem is. I've had countless doctor appointments, tests and hospital visits. I've lost a lot weight, am very weak and unable to do a lot of daily tasks and through it all, I can honestly say, it is well.

Never in my life have I experienced so much physical suffering and equally so, never in my life have I experienced this much spiritual transformation. Even though these 3 months have been extremely difficult, God is so faithful and is doing amazing things in me. Making me a more thankful person. Understanding that this life is too short to live for myself. Giving me faith and joy beyond understanding. Making me desire to know Jesus more and more. Not caring about what I wear, how I look or what others think about me. I just want Jesus. I want His name to be high and lifted up. I want to see Him glorified above everything else.

At this point in my life, I REFUSE to complain about anything ever again. I have no reason to complain. Each time I feel like I have nothing to be thankful for...
BAM! I just breathed. Thankful.
BAM! I woke up today. Thankful.
BAM! I walked up and down the stairs. Thankful.
If we truly knew how blessed we were, we would be walking around saying "thank you" ALL day.

Through all of this I have had moments where I've felt alone, helpless and abandoned. But it's the truth of God's Word and the amazing power of the Holy Spirit that sustains me. Psalm 63 is a passage that has been helping a lot through all of this.

63 O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
     my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
² So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
    beholding your power and glory.
³ Because your steadfast love is better than life,
    my lips will praise you.
⁴ So I will bless you as long as I live;
    in your name I will lift up my hands.

⁵ My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
    and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
⁶ when I remember you upon my bed,
    and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
⁷ for you have been my help,
    and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
⁸ My soul clings to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

⁹ But those who seek to destroy my life
    shall go down into the depths of the earth;
¹⁰ they shall be given over to the power of the sword;
    they shall be a portion for jackals.
¹¹ But the king shall rejoice in God;
    all who swear by him shall exult,
    for the mouths of liars will be stopped.

I may be very physically weak and drained but in Jesus name, I WILL overcome. He promises that He will make a way. And my hope is not in the preservation of my flesh, it's that I get to spend eternity with Jesus! The enemy can have my body for all I care, but he cannot have my soul, it belongs to Christ. I belong to Christ. Romans 14:7-8 says,

Trial.

Just something i wrote in my journal tonight. Trials can be difficult but God is so faithful. I hope you're encouraged...

I prayed and petitioned to be changed and in my human ways I pictured it a certain way.

Not too easy but only a few bumps along the way. But what change will come if I remain living the same each day?

Challenged. Humbled. And brought to my knees is where I need to be. To remove myself from the throne and see the king of majesty.

Weak and frail I do feel, but I know His love is more than real.

I do not put my hope in man. No book. No preacher. Not in my plans.

My God will bring me through it all. Until then I am called. To be faithful obedient even when I feel small.

I surrender.

I know these battle scars will soon be able to tell a story of grace.

melody

Wake up...

"Wake up and smell the brevity of this life" - are words that I woke up with this morning.

Each day that I rise from my bed, and there is breath in my lungs, I remember that God is not done with me yet.

I cannot understand His ways, I cannot fathom His glory, I cannot grasp His infinite nature, but my faith is in what I cannot see.

His faithfulness has been proven to me over my years of life on this earth. He has brought me this far, why would He give up on me now?

How foolish am I to expect for my eyes to see tomorrow? As if He owes me that and more.
How often do I forget the grace that He has lavished upon my life?

Yet, He looks at me day by day, night after night and reminds me that I am His and He is mine. I am a daughter of the King. Nothing can separate me from His infinite, unimaginable, REAL love.

In times of weakness, He is strong. In times of strength, He is STILL strong. I cannot live this life on my own because I am not my own. I belong to Him.

The brevity of this life should not lead me to fear but instead birth a thankful heart. a joyful heart. a servant heart. For though my days are numbered here, I am sure of where I will spend eternity. Not through my own deeds, not because of who I am or what I've done but through the saving work of my Saviour Jesus Christ.

As for today, I have breath. Today, I live for my King.

melody

Choco Chip + Caramilk Cookies.

Chocolate chip cookies + Caramilk? Yes please!

Here's my recipe:

3/4 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup brown sugar
1/4 granulated sugar
1 egg
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups of all purpose flour
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup of milk chocolate chips
Caramilk bars (each bar has 10 pieces and this recipe yields around 24 cookies)

a) Preheat oven to 350
b) Cream together butter + sugars until smooth. Add egg + vanilla, blend.
c) Stir in flour, cornstarch, baking soda + salt. Stir in choco chips.
d) Grab about half a tablespoon of dough and form into a ball.  Put one square of Caramilk in the middle of the ball + push down. Cover the top with another half a tablespoon of dough.
e) Bake for 10 minutes or until bottom starts to lightly brown. Take out of the oven before fully cooked and let it stand on stove top. (This makes for soft + chewy cookies!)

Enjoy!

melody

Walk.

It's easy to get overwhelmed with the tasks at hand especially if you're tired, broken or even physically sick. I was reminded today by my good friend Amelia how precious a nice walk outside is. I mean, it's February people and it's basically spring weather out today - so... take.ad.van.tage. Even if you're busy, just take 10 minutes and go for a walk, I can almost guarantee it will change your day. Put your phone away, put the laptop to sleep, put your shoes on and go admire God's creation. You won't regret it.

The Sun // from my walk today.

melody

What is Beauty?

Most people would say "beauty is on the inside..." and "it's not always about how you look..."

I usually give the same answer. But the sad part is - sometimes I don't live like that. I find myself getting caught up in the latest trends, spending more time on my hair and face than I do planting my face in God's word. I worry that people will think I look scary or weird without a little make-up on my face...

So because I was clearly giving the Sunday School answers to that question - I asked myself again: based on how I was living, and what I saw around me, were these things really the criteria for true beauty?...

What is beauty??

Is it a woman who can leave the house with or without make up and still look nice?
Is it having beautifully soft skin?
Is it having a rockin' bod?
Is it being the most trendy?
Is it having the shiniest, smoothest hair?
Is it having the most stunning eyes?

My answer naturally was 'no' to all those questions but I still struggled with answering the question at hand. So today I woke up and decided to do a little personal study on what the Bible says beauty is.

Beauty is:

Knowing that I am fearfully + wonderfully made. 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

{Psalm 139:14}

Taking care of my heart.

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” 

{1 Samuel 16:7}

Fearing the Lord.

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 

{Proverbs 31:30}

Taking the emphasis off the outward appearance + pursuing inner beauty.

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 

{1 Peter 3:3-4}

Pursuing Godliness. 

for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. 

{1 Timothy 4:8}

I never thought I would write a post about this because in my head I knew all the answers, but in my heart I believed something else. I had to get real with myself and check my heart because your heart really does determine what your response and actions will be.

Please don't misunderstand. Taking care of yourself is a good thing! Working out, taking care of your body, your hair etc are all good things but are those things consuming your mind? Are you incorrectly and sometimes unknowingly defining beauty in your head based solely on physical appearance?

I am first speaking to myself when I say this: Check your heart, stop loving yourself, and love Jesus. I want to be a woman defined by Christ. I DON'T want to live my life surviving and thriving off of the compliments I may receive from others.

I want my heart to reflect what I truly believe about beauty //

Jesus saw me in my ugliness (dead in my sin) + by His blood, His grace and His righteousness, He made me beautiful.

melody