It's been a difficult past few months, but in the best way possible. How does that make sense? Well, I'm learning that when you follow Jesus Christ, the path is narrow, its challenging, its testing, its sanctifying and its the reason why I get up everyday.
I think when I first became a Christian, I used to think that if I was going through a hard time with my relationship with God that there was something terribly wrong with me, and that Christians had to be happy and all together all the time. I'm learning quite the opposite right now. I think for a long time I was seeking happiness and just that. As I walk this narrow path, I'm learning that my desire wasn't necessarily wrong but it wasn't all that God had in store for me. I'm finding something much greater than happiness because I've found joy in Christ alone.
These past few months have been challenging and there have been times when I genuinely wanted to give up. I think in some ways I did, by simply doing things for the sake of checking things off of my so called "spiritual check list." I felt such a distance in my relationship with God and I constantly demanded that God would be near to me and make himself evident in my life. This isn't necessarily a bad or wrong thing to pray but as I prayed those things God had His way of showing me something significantly wrong with my approach to Him.
I was starting to realize that I was the one pushing myself away from Him. There were desires in my heart that overshadowed the love that I once had for my Savior. This was my wake up call - If you're not loving Christ, you're loving something else. That was pretty hard to digest. When you're confronted with something so significant like idolatry your pride just wants to brush it off and make it as insignificant as possible. And instead, you continue living a life of which you think you simply have "little" sins that you struggle with, when in fact those are the sins that are putting up the barrier between you and the greatest Love you can and ever will know. Sounds silly when I say it like that right? Unfortunately, that's how I was living. Placing a spotlight on the little "good" that I accomplished and minimizing all the bad.
Over the past month, God has been teaching me so many incredible things that are so difficult to grasp but all I can say is I am falling more and more in love with Him. I'm learning that I literally can't do anything to bring myself out of the pit of my sin. I can't sanctify myself. I can't restore my broken heart. I can't live a life that produces anything good...on my own. I need Jesus. There's nothing good about me apart from Him. But by God's grace, He showing me that He takes my filthiness and makes me into something beautiful. You know what's amazing? I am God's art. You are God's art. We are created in His image. And when we come to know Him by acknowledging that He is God, we are made into NEW creations (2 Corinthians 5:17).
I think it's really easy to speak "Christianese" trust me, I'm fluent in it. I say things all the time to myself and other people like "we need to count all things as loss." Well, God is teaching me its time to stop talking the talk and starting living it out. These past few days, my sin has become more and more apparent to me and quite honestly, I am disgusted. Of course there have been times in my life where I've looked at my sin and been appalled but I always tried to brush it off as fast as possible. Not this time. I want to see it in all of the "splendor" I make it out to be. The reason why I sarcastically say it like that is because I am learning more and more about Jesus and how incredibly wonderful and beautiful He is. The things that bring me instant but short lived satisfaction seem so ridiculous in light of the greatness of my God. He is so gracious to me and forgives me of all that I do against Him. I can't understand this love, but I know its all that I want.
I'm tired of spoiling my spiritual appetite with a trivial pursuit of worthlessness.
Jesus, replace my empty desires with the fullness of who You are.